第13章 Chapter 12 Autumn 1798: Now I am A Soldier's Wife

I was married to General Jean-Baptiste Bernadotte on the seventeenth day of August 1798. The ceremony was held in a marriage office, at seven oclock in the evening. After the ceremony we had a party at Josephs house. Mama wasnt well enough to travel to Paris. Etienne couldnt leave his business. And Jean didnt invite any of his own family. But the Bonapartes filled the house.

The party lasted for several hours. I didnt enjoy it very much. Everyone was talking about Napoleons war in Egypt. “In one battle our army killed twenty thousand men. And we only lost fifty. Arent you proud of that?” Joseph asked Jean. Jean looked at him coldly. “Proud?” he said. “Our guns killed twenty thousand Egyptians who had no heavy guns. Must I be proud of that? And why did we kill them?”

Jucien started to say something. Then he stopped. At last he said in a sad voice: “We killed them for the Rights of Man.” “It was necessary,” Joseph said. “Egypt is on the way to India, where Napoleon will destroy the English. He has taken Cairo and Alexandria, so he controls all Egypt.” “That wont worry the English,” said Jean. “Egypt doesnt belong to them. Their warships control the sea. Theyll destroy the ships that took our men to Egypt. Then your brother and his wonderful army will be left in the desert without supplies.”

I was getting tired of this conversation. Jean noticed it and said: “Its late, Desiree. We must go home now.” Home? Yes. At last I have my own home. Its in a little village, just outside Paris. We drove through the arm summer night in an open carriage. A round yellow moon was shining down on us. I seemed so close that I could almost touch it.

Tall candles were burning in our sitting room. A bottle of champagne was on the table, and a dish of fruit, and some little cakes. “Thats Maries work,” I said with a smile. “No,” Jean corrected me. “Fernand did it, Im sure.” Jean and Fernand were schoolfriends, and they joined the army together. Now Fernand is his army servant.

“But I know Maries cakes, ” I said. And I ate one. Jean looked at the champagne. “If we drink any more tonight, we shall have terrible heads in the morning,” he said. I agreed. So we blew the candles out and went up to our bedroom. No candle was burning there, but soft moonlight shone in through the window. Jean left the room for a moment; I quickly undressed and got into bed. Then I screamed.

He rushed into the room. “whats the matter, Desiree?” “I dont know. Something---Ow! Ow! Theres something in the bed.” He lit a candle. I sat up and pulled the bedclothes back. The bed was full of sharp little points. “That must be Fernands work,” I said. “He wanted to give us a surprise.” But Jean didnt agree. “Of course it wasnt Fernand. It was Marie. Who else would put roses in a soldiers bed?”

He put then into a basket. Then he blew the candle out again. The first days of our marriage passed very happily. I love our little house. Like Julie, I hate palaces. One evening I said to Jean: “Promise me something. Promise that we shall never, never live in a palace.” He answered slowly : “we must keep together, Desiree. In Vienna I lived in a palace. Tomorrow I may have only a camp bed in a German field. Or I may move to a castle with my officers; we may stay there for the winter. If I ask you to join me there, will you refuse?”

“I shant refuse,” I replied. “But I shant be happy in a castle. I shall always want to come back here. This is our home.” The next day trouble began. News came from Egypt. The English have destroyed our ships, and Napoleons army cant get supplies. So Jean was right! He had to ride into Paris at once. The government needed his advice.

He rode there every day, for a month. And every afternoon I waited in the garden. As soon as I heard his horse, I ran to the gate. Then we sat and drank coffee under the apple trees. He told me all the public news and all his secrets too. “when the English destroyed our ships, they woke our other enemies,” he said. “Russia is getting ready for war. The Italians have forgotten the Rights of Man that Napoleon proudly gave them. They and the Austrians together are driving our army out of Italy.”

Yesterday he came home at lunch time. I ran out to the gate and said: “Maire and I are putting fruit into bottles for the winter. Come and see.” But he answered: “I shant be able to eat your fruit, Desiree. I shant be here.” Then he shouted to Fernand: “Pack my camp things. We shall leave at seven oclock tomorrow morning.” After dinner we sat in the garden and talked. Jean said: “You have married a soldier, Desiree, and you must be brave.” “I dont want to be brave,” I told him. “Listen, my dear. I have to cross the Rhine with a weak little army. Why? Because Napoleon dont see that. Someone said to me this morning: If Bonaparte was here, no one would dare to attack us. ” I remembered Napoleons last words to me. I had never told Jean. I did so now. “And someone else said: The Kings crown rolled into the mud. I could easily pick it up” “who said that?” Jean demanded loudly. “Napoleon said it.” “To you?” “To himself. We were alone together. But he was thinking aloud.” After that we sat in silence till we heard Maries angry voice: “You cant clean those guns on my kitchen table, Fernand. Take them away at once!” That was last night. This morning Fernand woke us at six oclock. We had a hurried breakfast. Then a lot of officers arrived. “Goodbye, my darling girl,” Jean said. “write to me often. Goodbye, Maier. Take care of my wife.” A moment later he had gone. Now Im alone. Im writing my diary for the first time since we were married. Ive been too busy to write it before. Ive been too happy. Now Im neither happy nor busy, and I miss my husband terribly. But Im trying hard to control my fears. Im trying to be brave.