FADE IN EXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY The wind rustles the endless field of corn, blows over the freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of trees. Its a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES breaks the peace and... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows

of corn into the meadow. They are running for their lives. CLOSE ON: The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a disheveled wedding gown, its train tattered and flying like a knights banner out behind her. This is MAGGIE CARPENTER. The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns

to look behind her in terror. The horses labored breathing mingles with Maggies panicked gasps. We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders on. Maggie clings to the reins. She looks as though she is running from the devil himself. FADE TO BLACK EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Establishing. CUT TO: EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY IKE (VO) Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some column ideas I want to bounce off you. Not there? Okay. Listen Im thinking of writing about those mind-numbing informercials that are always on.

Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone. IKE (contd) What do you think? Good idea, right? Boring, down to death, pointless -- It sucks. Ike yells at a CONSTRUCTION WORKER. IKE (contd) If you guys are here any longer, theyre gonna make you sign a lease. CONSTRUCTION WORKER

Your column should be so funny. Ike turns and walks down the street, talking into cell phone. IKE Okay, I was also thinking I might write about... He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a Limousine, talking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her. IKE (contd) Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an

article on limousines. What would you say to people who never had a chance to drive in a limo? They walk up to her DOORMAN. LADY Im sorry, I dont know any people like that. Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes. EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY Ikes talking on the phone to his friends machine again.

IKE (into phone) Fisher? Come on -- I know youre sitting there laughing at me. Pick up. I want to run an idea past you. Ike continues walking now in the full panic of writers block. He pleads into his friends answering machine as he walks. IKE (contd) (into phone) I just could use someone to toss it

back and forth with for a few minutes, get the juice flowing, help me. I have an hour and twenty-seven minutes and fifty-two seconds. Hello? He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The Vendor calls out to him. T-SHIRT VENDOR Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me in an article?

IKE When your t-shirts stop shrinking. Ike enters the bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendor goes back to selling his shirts. INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.

MAN I see photos of a lot of dead writers on these walls. Got any living ones? I have a story to tell that could win one of them a Pulitzer. (then, with enthusiasm) Picture this, if you will. A small town in Maryland, a sleepy little village, within that a hardware store... The Man continues speaking as Ike and the woman continue their conversation. WOMAN So whats in store for us in tomorrows column? IKE I dont know yet. Im kind of a last- minute man. Ideas dont flow until an hour or two before deadline. The Woman gets up and begins throwing darts. WOMAN (interrupting) This is very interesting. You get your ideas for your column from life. You start up a conversation with a woman in a bar, attack her choice of reading material, try and get a rise out of her while you contemplate whether or not shes worth hitting on. IKE No, I cant hit on you until I get an idea. She starts throwing darts. WOMAN Thats flattering. IKE No, you dont understand. The Woman goes to her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a tip for the Bartender. WOMAN I think I do understand. So my not responding to your baiting me will inspire one of those potential bitter diatribes you love to write about women and all the things we do to drive men crazy? IKE (taken aback) I dont write bitter diatribes about women... very often. She whacks him with a newspaper, then shakes his hand. WOMAN Only when the ideas arent flowing, huh? Well, it was very nice to meet you, one-minute man. The Woman leaves the bar. IKE (as she exits) Thats last minute man. (then, louder) And its the quality that counts. BARTENDER You know, for a good looking man, you strike out a lot. MAN Ive seen much worse. The phone rings. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits back on his bar stool. Ike grabs the womans magazine that she left on the bar and starts glancing at it. The Man at the bar has heard the whole thing. MAN (contd) I said, Ive seen much worse. Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is George Swilling. IKE Excuse me? MAN The brush-off. Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts. MAN (contd) Ive witnessed far more treacherous and nefarious exits than that. At least she castigated you in private. IKE Not as private as I thought. Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back. IKE (contd) Kevin, youve got some napkins? BARTENDER Writing or wiping? IKE Give me a pen. The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Man gets up and starts throwing darts. MAN (throwing darts hard) Ah, come on. They deserve it. They love you, they hate you, theyre hot, theyre cold, theyre high, theyre low... IKE ... Theyre up, theyre down. Its really fun making this list with you, but Ive got a column to go write. BARTENDER Ike. MAN (undeterred) But you dont have a really superb idea! Well, theres a girl from my hometown you could write about. Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him. BARTENDER (to Man) Excuse me, we dont need any new ideas. MAN She likes to dump grooms right at the altar. They call her "The Runaway Bride". Both Ike and Bartender turn and stare. MAN She performed the travesty seven or eight times. Right at the altar she turns around and runs like hell. Bolts. Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him, getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic story. MAN (contd) Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking old ladies out of her way like the running of the bulls at Pamplona. And guess what? IKE I give up. MAN She has the next victim all lined up. Shes twirling another body on the spit. Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of himself. MAN (beginning his story) Imagine if you will, a small town in Maryland... CUT TO: INT. IKES APARTMENT - DUSK Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself. IKE (reading) "Today is a day of profound introspection, I have been accused of using this column to direct bitter diatribes at the opposite sex! This uncomfortable accusation has plunged me into at least fifteen minutes of serious reflection, from which I have emerged with the conclusion that, yes -- I traffic in female stereotypes." EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper. FISHER "But how can one blame me when every time I step out my front door I meet fresh proof that the female archetypes are alive and well? Te mother, the virgin, the whore, the crone; theyre elbowing you in the subway, stealing your cabs, and overwhelming you with perfume in elevators." INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself. ELAINE "But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer sex, I do need to broaden my horizon and add some new goddesses to the pantheon: I would like to nominate for deity..." Fisher hands a file to Elaine. FISHER "... The cheerleader, the coed, and the man-eater, the last of which concerns me most today." Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign. CUT TO: INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY The Man comes out of the mens room reading the USA Today, Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same article. MAN (reads) "To be fair, the man-eater isnt exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this fearsome female was known as Erinys, the devouring death goddess. In India, she is Kali, who likes to devour her boyfriend Shivas entrails while her yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed man-eater is called Ragma..." Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender. BARTENDER You noticed these are all countries without cable. (then, continues reading) "... And in Hale, Maryland where she helps run the family hardware store. She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter ..." (mispronounces) ".... AKA, the Runaway Bride." CUT TO: EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY WORKERS read the above article. INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the street. (lowers her paper and reads.) PEGGY (contd) "... And in Hale, Maryland where she helps run the family hardware store." (to the Women) We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind the shop. (exits salon; continues reading) "... She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride." MRS. PRESSMAN Holy moly. The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud. Neither one can believe what theyre reading. PEGGY (reads) "What is unusual about Miss Carpenter is that she likes to dress her men up as grooms before she devours them. She has already disemboweled six in a row by leaving them at the altar."... I cant ready anymore. MRS. PRESSMAN (takes paper from her, reads) "And her ritual feast continues as she prepares to make a sacrifice out of the seventh fiance. So all bets are on and we hope that this boomerang bride isnt honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers because many predict that this girl is out of there before the race... before the rice hits the ground" (then) Holy moly. Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store. INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried. MRS. PRESSMAN You tell Maggie. PEGGY No, you tell her. MRS. PRESSMAN No, no. Youre her best friend. PEGGY No. MRS. PRESSMAN (holding her newspaper) You know, its just possible that she hasnt read this yet. PEGGY Yeah. MRS. PRESSMAN Maybe she hasnt read the paper... On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the article about Maggie. MRS. PRESSMAN (contd) ... Or not! We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness, charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON. MAGGIE (bright) Here we go! One antique hot water handle with the "HOT" still on it, guaranteed to fit any American Standard cast iron tub with a four-inch center made between 1924 and 1938. In other words, I think youre out of the doghouse with Mrs. Paxton. MR. PAXTON (amazed) Hallelujah. MAGGIE Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on your account. Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the paint machine. EARL Maggie. MAGGIE (walking past customer) You dont need an air conditioner, Earl, you just need an attic fan -- Theres more in the back. Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour expression on the faces of her friends. MAGGIE (contd) What? Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper. PEGGY (delicate) So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh? MAGGIE (serious) Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say its the rudest and most offensive... joke anybodys ever played on me! To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling. MAGGIE (contd) You guys! How long did this take you? Maggie stays amused. MAGGIE (contd) Whered you get this done? (laughing) You creeps! I should disinvite you! And why did you say seven times? This is four. PEGGY Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette jokes, so we didnt... Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends. MRS. PRESSMAN Holy moly. Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie. Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down, dubiously, at the paper. MAGGIE Um, you know, now would be a good moment to tell me this is fake. (no response) It wont be funny if you drag it out. Okay? (no response) Okay, well... I mean, I can find out... Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers dont. She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving an INK SMEAR!! She nearly kneels over. MAGGIE (contd) (sitting) Bag. Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They give her a bag to breathe in. MRS. PRESSMAN Bag. CUT TO: INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her workout area and goes to her desk. ANGLE ON DESK AREA: She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter. MAGGIE (VO) "Dear Editor..." EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous. MAGGIE (VO; contd) "Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you believe that a rural education is focused mainly on hog calling and tractor maintenance rather than reading. Why else would you print a piece of fiction about me and call it fact?" Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck. MAGGIE (VO; contd) "I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy thinking us slanderous statements about how I dump men for kicks to bother with something silly like accuracy in reporting. Which is understandable, because with a "man-eater" like me on the loose, who has time to check facts?" EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS He passes regular GUYS who cheer him. MAGGIE (VO; contd) "Still, we cannibalistic queens can get pretty cranky when we see things in print that hurt our feelings, like that we deliberately abandon fiances with malice aforethought." INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office. INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little surprised, but hes pleased. MAGGIE (VO; contd) "Thats why I was surprised to find Mr. Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped we man-eater could stick together." Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile. IKE (to Elaine) Ill put in a good word for you. ELAINE No, no, dont mention my name in there. IKE Why? A buzz. ELAINE You can go in now. Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone. CUT TO: INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads Maggies letter. ELLIE (reading letter) "Anyway, Im just dropping you big city folk this little note to say that I have thought of a ritual sacrifice that would satisfy my current appetite: Ike Grahams column on a platter. Yours truly, Maggie Carpenter. PS -- I have inclosed a list of the gross factual misrepresentations in your article. There are fifteen." Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses. IKE (chuckles as he sits) Fully. I like her. She has wit. ELLIE I left four messages. You dont return my calls. IKE So? I never returned your calls, even when we were married. And whats Fisher doing here anyway? Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his way to the other side of the room. FISHER Ellie asked me to come down to offer moral support. IKE Since when does Ellie need moral supp-- ELLIE -- Its for you, Ike. IKE What? ELLIE Journalism lesson number one. If you fabricate your facts, you get fired. Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as impassive as stone. IKE Lesson number two. Never work for your former spouse. ELLIE Thats not nothing to do with it. You cooked this story up and you know it. IKE I didnt cook up a story. I had a source. ELLIE Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze- hound in a bar? FISHER In vino veritas. IKE Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk guys in bars are good. It means theyre not driving. Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point. IKE (contd) Besides, Im a columnist. This is what columnists are supposed to do. This is what you like. We push, we stretch, we go out on a limo. Thats what makes me good! ELLIE No, thats what makes you unemployed. IKE I merely write the stuff. Youre the one that serves it up. Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his pocket. ELLIE Not anymore. I have to draw the line. (pushing a piece of paper) She sent us this list. Our lawyers say its actionable. Ellie hands Ike Maggies list. IKE (scoffs) Lawyers. (glances at list) I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is going to be very tough on you. Its going to be hard to get over. There will be therapy bills for you. ELLIE (shrugs) I already made an appointment for later today. IKE (putting the list down, standing) See? You want custody of my job? ... Why not just consider my wrist slapped and call me when you feel Ive served my time? ELLIE Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent. Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other for a sober moment. ELLIE (VO; contd) If you go quietly, Ill get you severance pay. Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door. He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and rubs her shoulders. EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks out. EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER MORNING ANGLE ON MAGGIES HOUSE: A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on her face, then she scampers back into the house. INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - THAT MOMENT Maggie skips back into her house which she shares with Father and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on a shoe-string. She rushes into: KITCHEN WHERE BOB KELLY, fiance #4, is packing cans into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a pleasant face and a body that is almost shockingly buff. Hes wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing. MAGGIE She canned him, she canned him... Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food. BOB Come here, Mag, and try this on. Maggie puts the paper on the kitchen counter and starts to read aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is sticking her arms through the straps of the backpack. MAGGIE Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I apologize to you for this unfortunate matter. Ike Grahams column will no longer be appearing in this paper. Best of luck in you upcoming marriage!" Bob continues to hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps it onto Maggies shoulders. BOB That-a-girl! You sacked him. (checking pack) This is the weight of the pack youre going to have to carry in the Himalayas. Tell me if its too heavy. Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the counter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at her. Maggies voice rises from the floor behind the counter. MAGGIE (os) Its a little... Its a little heavy... Help me, baby. Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle and kiss. INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women in evening and formal wear from Escada for GQ Fisher is not actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it. Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then he goes onto the stage and sets the models in their positions. FISHER (contd) Remember, we are putting the "fun" back into formal. (to Ike) I just say that for the agency guys. I dont even know what that means. Now follow me. INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the coffee table. FISHER Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride piece, and since I do freelance stuff for GQ, Im in a different position now... IKE What are you trying to say to me, Fish? They stop walking. FISHER Vindication. How would you like to get some? A chance to prove that, though your facts werent entirely straight, your theory was correct. IKE (hiding his hope) The real story on Miss Carpenter. FISHER All the gory details. They start walking again. IKE (excited) The anatomy of the black widow spider of Maryland. FISHER It wouldnt be a bad way to get you back into writing feature pieces again. IKE (enthusiastically) This is good. It is a good story, Fish. They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat. FISHER (nods) If she runs, then its a cover story. All true. All accurate. IKE (confesses) Okay, you were right. I hated my column, but I can do this assignment. FISHER Then youve got it. If you leave tomorrow for the hinterlands, youll have plenty of time before her next wedding trot. IKE "Paid vindication" Thats what I call justice. FISHER Justice, yes. Paid, I dont know. They like the idea, but my hands are tied with budget restraints. IKE But Ill get my normal fee, right? He walks away. IKE You want me to do it on spec?! He follows him. CUT TO: EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little as he and Fisher continue their conversation in voice-over. (If needed by the editor.) FISHER (VO) Dont say "spec" like its a dirty word. Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a play! Plato never got a book advance... IKE (VO) Oh yeah! I happen to know from reliable sources that Nietzche got expenses and a rental car. We hear Fisher laugh. IKE (VO; contd) Im going to make this work, Fish. Im going to do it! Ikes car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading, "Welcome to Hale." CUT TO: EXT. HALE STREET - DAY Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon." EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in town. Ike pulls up and goes inside. INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands him his key. Ike asks about room service and the restaurant. An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the stairs to his room. EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing "Camptown Races." He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking exactly like what he is: a cynical New York out of his element on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder: IKE I think Im in Maryberry. Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike comes to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is doing business and crowded with WOMEN. INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY Cindy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressmans nails. Maggie sits on the floor next to Peggys salon chair, fixing the base of a barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied. Cindys dog is on the floor near Maggie. MAGGIE Cindy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems to be enjoying the petroleum distillates. Cindy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back to her station. CINDY Thats it. Back to obedience school. MAGGIE (to Peggy) Okay -- have a seat... gently, carefully. Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around. PEGGY (delighted as she spins) Youre a goddess! MAGGIE I didnt even need to change this gasket, just put in a little hydraulic fluid. PEGGY Stop it. When you talk like that, I get turned on and it frightens me. JUST THEN. Ike enters the salon, taking off his sunglasses. Peggy hops off the chair. IKE Hello. Im looking for Maggie Carpenter. There was a sign at the hardware store across the street... PEGGY Are you a reporter? Its a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard. IKE (shocked) What? PEGGY (eyeing his loafers) Its been our experience that anyone with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers ends up being another big city reporter wanting to interview Maggie. IKE About her upcoming wedding and all. PEGGY No, about her getting that asshole from New York fired. Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs. IKE I am just such a reporter. And you are? PEGGY Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater. Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward Cindy and Mrs. Pressman. IKE And who are these lovely ladies? Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves. CINDY Cindy. Maggies unmarried cousin. MRS. PRESSMAN Mrs. Pressman. No relation. PEGGY And you are? IKE (turning toward her) Looking for Maggie. PEGGY Yep. Maggie -- Someone to see you. Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She gives Ike the once-over, focusing on the shoes. MAGGIE (yelling to Peggy) Reporter? PEGGY Yup! Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her beauty and intelligent eyes. MAGGIE I hope you have a different angle. Its pretty much all been covered. IKE Originality is my speciality. MAGGIE Excellent. PEGGY Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in here unless theyre getting haircut. MAGGIE Shes the boss. IKE Sorry, no. I just got one. MRS. PRESSMAN (to Ike) Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact for you. IKE (steps to Mrs. Pressman) Yes, Mrs. Pressman. MRS. PRESSMAN Its her fourth time to the altar, you know. Not seven like they said. IKE I know. Tell me something. Do you think shes going to make it all the way this time? During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exchange, Maggie looks at Ike. Theres something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy and beckons her to a copy of Ikes column affixed to a mirror. A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ikes byline picture. Hes been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she recognizes Ike in the newspaper clipping. MAGGIE She swallowed her gun. Mrs. Pressman continues her story to Ike. MRS. PRESSMAN Im not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the newsstand, hes our local bookie, you know, hes giving eight to one odds she wont. He says shes so famous now, maybe Vegas will give odds on her. Im going to wait to hear what the pros say. IKE Good fact. Well, you let me know. MRS. PRESSMAN Oh, I will. ANGLE ON: Maggie indicates column to Peggy. She looks over at the part of the shop used to wash and dye hair. Theres a sink, stool and a cabinet affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy step forward toward Ike. MAGGIE Well, instead of a haircut, how about a wash? You know, get all that city grit out of it. IKE Youll answer my questions? Maggie nods affirmatively. IKE (contd) (removing his jacket) Fine. You wash, Ill ask the questions. PEGGY Great. Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the sink. While she does this... MAGGIE Have a seat. Peggy, why dont you give him the special treatment that strengthens the follicles. Ike sits in the chair near the sink. Maggie shakes out a smock and puts it around Ike. MAGGIE (contd) So, what do you want to know? Ike leans and rests his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him and wets his hair. She grabs various hair coloring products. IKE Getting nervous? MAGGIE Nervous? Not at all! No. Ive never been more certain in my life. Except -- I am having all kinds of weird dreams. Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face. IKE Weird dreams? Youre going to tell me about them? MAGGIE Yes. PEGGY (calming) Lets just put this back here for the aromatherapy. Peggy recovers his face, then continues to fuss with the hair coloring products. Maggie helps. INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie. Cindy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket. MAGGIE In another one... PETE, wearing a hat, comes in the front door of the salon. PEGGY Hey, Pete, Ill be right with you. Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie continues. MAGGIE Im inside the church. Everyone I know is there, only theyre not really them. Theyre like Frankenstein monsters, but without the bolts coming out of their necks. Its all very "Night of the Living Dead". And heres the creepiest part -- I look down at my dress and its red. I mean, I have no idea what it means. Reds not my color! Ike listens intently and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and dyed orange and red. MAGGIE (contd) So what do you think? Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspicion creeping up his spine. IKE I think youd look good in red. PEGGY No, shes talking about your hair. Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike looks at his brightly colored hair. MAGGIE Youre all ready for football season, Mr. Graham. Ike stares at his hair in total confusion. With icy calm, Ike rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaced newspaper clipping and all becomes clear. He picks up the article and shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn. IKE Yes, I think I nailed the personality profile of the women of Hale. Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror. IKE (contd) (to Peggy) My jacket, please. Peggy hands him his jacket. IKE (contd) (sarcastically) Thank you. Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete. IKE (contd) (putting on jacket; to Pete) Excuse me, Pete, do you know a place that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo? PETE Docs Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell him Pete sent you. Want my hat? IKE No thanks. Ike smiles at Maggie and exits. MAGGIE (to Peggy) He seems crabby. CUT TO: EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out. MAGGIE If youre looking for Elm Street, its that way. She puts on her sunglasses. IKE Thank you. He walks the other way. MAGGIE If you came down here in the pursuit of happiness, you might as well go back. Because you cant make me feel bad. She stops walking and turns to Ike. IKE Im not here to make you feel bad. Im here for vindication. In my heart... MAGGIE You have one? Ike walks back to Maggie. IKE I feel Im right about you. You got me fired, lady. You destroyed my reputation and you screwed up my hair. You chew men up, spit them out and loved it. And Im down here to satisfy myself on that point. PASSERSBY stare at Ikes hair and giggle. MAGGIE Did something happen to make you care about reality? IKE Yes. Conviction. Conviction that Im onto the truth. Youre going to do the same thing to "poor bastard number four" that you did to the last three. Youre going to run again. And Im not leaving until you do. MAGGIE Youre going to be very disappointed. IKE Well see. MAGGIE Id love to stay and chat, but Ive got to get back to work. I still have my job. He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words. MAGGIE I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham. Talk to whoever you want. You might actually stumble upon a fact or two. Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on a bike. IKE Hey, kid, Ill give you ten bucks for your hat. Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street. An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a newspaper. Ike is stunned. EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK Maggie pulls into the driveway in her truck. Shes in a fine mood as she walks right in the house. INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK Bob, Walter, and Maggies GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggies wedding veils. Walter drinks wine, Ike wears a hat. WALTER You know, when I only see one dog, I know Ive had too much to drink. Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie smiles as she walks in the front door and puts down her tool box and bag. MAGGIE Youll never guess who came crawling into town with his tail between his legs. IKE (os) Who? Maggie enters the parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat on the couch. IKE (contd) (innocently) Hello, Maggie. I just came by to apologize to your family. (looks to Walter) When Im wrong, Im wrong. I pushed a story. I made a mistake. WALTER In other words -- hes only human. An he brought us a bottle of wine. Raises the bottle to Maggie. IKE They made me put my hat back on. WALTER Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of Skipper. MAGGIE Youve got to be kidding me. Maggie stares at them both. BOB (enjoying the moment) No, no, you should have seen Skipper. (then, imitates growling) It wasnt that funny. Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm of Bobs chair and puts her arm on his shoulder. MAGGIE So, the forces of good and evil have already met. Maggie takes the wine bottle from the table next to Walter. She snaps a look to Bob, who follows her. BOB Ill help you take into the kitchen. GRANDMA JULIA Check on the crabs, Bob. We overhear them murmuring in annoyed tones about the wedding plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink. IKE Gee, I hope they dont have a fight out there. You dont think theyll call it off...? WALTER Well, wedding cake freezes. This we know. IKE You know, your daughter seems... Ike notices that hes been sewn to the veil. GRANDMA JULIA Sorry. IKE Thats okay, Grandma. Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ikes sleeve. IKE (contd) (continuing his thought) ... Like such a lovely girl. Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall. WALTER Like her mother. IKE (seeing the portrait) Ah, beautiful. (gets up to admire the portrait) I just cant see her leaving multiple grooms in the dust like that. GRANDMA JULIA Oh, yes, you can. Shes has em all on tape. IKE She has a tape? WALTER (good-natured) Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding. I mean Maggie didnt know she was going to make the hundred-yard dash. Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase. Ike checks on the tapes. IKE Dads fishing trip, Grandmas knee operation, Grandmas birthday... WALTER Gotta tell you this about my daughter. My daughter makes real good time, even in a long dress and heels. Maggie may not be Hales longest running joke, but she certainly is the fastest. Walter cracks up. GRANDMA JULIA (sarcastically) Ha ha. CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ikes interest is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and go to the dining room. DISSOLVE TO: INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike copies him. WALTER (contd) Emma and I were only blessed with one child, not for lacking of trying. MAGGIE This is good, Dad, dont leave anything out. Ikes hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up. WALTER So Ive come to see it as a bonus, really, that weve been able to plan, and pay for, so many weddings. MAGGIE Not this one. This ones on me. Walter reacts. IKE Thats fair. MAGGIE Despite what you think, I dont do it on purpose. And I have no intention of doing it again. BOB Thats right, Maggie. Just keep your eye on the ball. Ike raises his eyebrows in question. Bob explains. BOB (contd) Sports psychology. It was my major in college. IKE Ahh. BOB (false modesty) Im the towns unofficial fitness trainer. Big advocate of the mind and body combining for success. You could say or you can quote me, Im a glass half full king of guy. MAGGIE (boasting) Bobs the head of the PE department at the high school. And he coaches the football team. And hes climbed Everest. To Maggies satisfaction, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging respect. Nobody whos been up Everest is a total clown. IKE (impressed) Everest. Is that right? MAGGIE Twice... IKE Really? MAGGIE (sticking it to Ike) Without oxygen... BOB My girl likes to brag about me. Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds. BOB (contd) Im taking her trekking on Annapurna on our honeymoon. Ike is highly amused. IKE How romantic. MAGGIE (sharply) We think so. IKE Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed with two Sherpas and a yak. Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back. CUT TO: INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC) INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION Fisher and Ellie are exercising. Fisher is on a cycle machine. Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits back on the couch, puts on his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing on the TV screen. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding." IKE (to Fisher; into phone) You wont believe what Im looking at, Fisher. A videotape of all three train wrecks. THE TV - CLOSE Two flower girls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar. Now we see Maggie come down the aisle, then walk past the altar. We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church. SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this first wedding. She drags the train boy up the second aisle as she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and then sits back down to watch. The tape fast-forwards to the next wedding. Now Ike is looking at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says, "Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button (sometimes slowing down). ON TV: We see the Carpenters backyard. It is Gill and Maggies wedding d