第15章 On the Steps of the Conservatory

-- Cmon Hilda dont fret. -- Well Maggie its a blow. -- Dont let it bother you, dont let it get you down. -- Once I thought they were going to admit me to the Conservatory but now I know they will never admit me to the Conservatory. -- Yes they are very particular about who they admit to the Conservatory. They will never admit you to the Conservatory.

-- They will never admit me to the Conservatory, I know that now. -- You are not Conservatory material Im afraid. Thats the plain truth of it. -- Youre not important, they told me, just remember that, youre not important, whats so important about you? What? -- Cmon Hilda dont fret. -- Well Maggie its a blow.

-- When are you going to change yourself, change yourself into a loaf or a fish? -- Christian imagery is taught at the Conservatory, also Islamic imagery and the imagery of Public Safety. -- Red, yellow, and green circles. -- When they told me I got between the poles of my rickshaw and trotted heavily away.

-- The great black ironwork doors of the Conservatory barred to you forever. -- Trotted heavily away in the direction of my house. My small, poor house. -- Cmon Hilda dont fret. -- Yes, I am still trying to get into the Conservatory, although my chances are probably worse than ever. -- They dont want pregnant women in the Conservatory.

-- I didnt tell them, I lied about it. -- Didnt they ask you? -- No they forgot to ask me and I didnt tell them. -- Well then its hardly on that account that -- -- I felt they knew. -- The Conservatory is hostile to the new spirit, the new spirit is not liked there. -- Well Maggie its, a blow nevertheless. I had to go back to my house.

-- Where although you entertain the foremost artists and intellectuals of your time you grow progressively more despondent and depressed. -- Yes he was a frightful lawyer. -- Lover? -- That too, frightful. He said he could not get me into the Conservatory because of my unimportance. -- Was there a fee?

-- Theres always a fee. Pounds and pounds. -- I stood on the terrace at the rear of the Conservatory and studied the flagstones reddened with the lifebloods of generations of Conservatory students. Standing there I reflected: Hilda will never be admitted to the Conservatory. -- I read the Conservatory Circular and my name was not among those listed.

-- Well I suppose it was in part your espousal of the new spirit that counted against you. -- I will never abjure the new spirit. -- And youre a veteran too, I should have thought that would have weighed in your favor. -- Well Maggie its a disappointment, I must admit that frankly. -- Cmon Hilda dont weep and tear your hair here where they can see you.

-- Are they looking out of the windows? -- Probably theyre looking out of the windows. -- Its said that they import a cook, on feast days. -- They have naked models too. -- Do you really think so? Im not surprised. -- The best students get their dinners sent up on trays. -- Do you really think so? Im not surprised.

-- Grain salads and large portions of choice meats. -- Oh it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. -- Bread with drippings, and on feast days cake. -- Im as gifted as they are, Im as gifted as some of them. -- Decisions made by a committee of ghosts. They drop black beans or white beans into a pot.

-- Once I thought I was to be admitted. There were encouraging letters. -- Youre not Conservatory material Im afraid. Only the best material is Conservatory material. -- Im as good as some of those who rest now in the soft Conservatory beds. -- Merit is always considered closely. -- I could smile back at the smiling faces of the swift, dangerous teachers. -- Yes, we have naked models. No, the naked models are not emotionally meaningful to us. -- I could work with clay or paste things together. -- Yes, sometimes we paste things on the naked models -- clothes, mostly. Yes, sometimes we play our Conservatory violins, cellos, trumpets for the naked models, or sing to them, or correct their speech, as our deft fingers fly over the sketch pads. . . -- I could I suppose fill out another application, or several. -- Yes, you have considerable of a belly on you now. I remember when it was flat, flat as a book. -- I will die if I dont get into the Conservatory, die. -- Naw you wont youre just saying that. -- I will completely croak if I dont get into the Conservatory, I promise you. -- Things are not so bad, you can always do something else, I dont know what, cmon Hilda be reasonable. -- My whole life depends on it. -- Oh God I remember when it was flat. Didnt we tear things up, though? I remember running around that town, and hiding in dark places, that was a great town and Im sorry we left it. -- Now we are grown, grown and proper. -- Well, I misled you. The naked models are emotionally meaningful to us. -- They are? -- We love them and sleep with them all the time -- before breakfast, after breakfast, during breakfast. -- Why thats all right! -- Why thats rather neat! -- I like that! -- Thats not so bad! -- I wish you hadnt told me that. -- Cmon Hilda dont be so single-minded, there are lots of other things you can do if you want. -- I guess they operate on some kind of principle of exclusivity. Keeping some people out while letting other people in. -- We got a Coushatta Indian in there, real full-blooded Coushatta Indian. -- In there? -- Yes. He does hanging walls out of scraps of fabric and twigs, very beautiful, and he does sand paintings and plays on whistles of various kinds, sometimes he chants, and he bangs on a drum, works in silver, and hes also a weaver, and he translates things from Coushatta into English and from English into Coushatta and hes also a crack shot and can bulldog steers and catch catfish on trotlines and ride bareback and make medicine out of common ingredients, aspirin mostly, and he sings and hes also an actor. Hes very talented. -- My whole life depends on it. -- Listen Hilda maybe you could be an Associate. We have this deal whereby you pay twelve bucks a year and that makes you an Associate. You get the Circular and have all the privileges of an Associate. -- What are they? -- You get the Circular. -- Thats all? -- Well I guess youre right. -- Im just going to sit here Im not going to go away. -- Your distress is poignant to me. -- Ill have the baby right here right on these steps. -- Well maybe therell be good news one of these days. -- I feel like a dead person sitting in a chair. -- Youre still pretty and attractive. -- Thats good to hear Im pleased you think that. -- And warm youre warm youre very warm. -- Yes I have a warm nature very warm. -- Werent you in the Peace Corps also years ago? -- I was and drove ambulances too down in Nicaragua. -- The Conservatory life is just as halcyon as you imagine it -- precisely so. -- I guess Ill just have to go back to my house and clean up, take out the papers and the trash. -- I guess that kidll be born one of these days, right? -- Continue working on my etudes no matter what they say. -- Thats admirable I think. -- The thing is not to let your spirit be conquered. -- I guess that kidll be born after a while, right? -- I guess so. Those boogers are really gonna keep me out of there, you know that? -- Their minds are inflexible and rigid. -- Probably because Im a poor pregnant woman dont you think? -- You said you didnt tell them. -- But maybe theyre very shrewd psychologists and they could just look at my face and tell. -- No it doesnt show yet how many months are you? -- Two and a half just about you can tell when I take my clothes off. -- You didnt take your clothes off did you? -- No I was wearing you know what the students wear. Jeans and a sarape. I carried a green book bag. -- Jam-packed with etudes. -- Yes. He asked where I had gotten my previous training and I told him. -- Oh boy I remember when it was flat, flat as the deck of something, a boat or a ship. -- Youre not important, they told me. -- Oh sweetie I am so sorry for you. -- We parted then I walking through the gorgeous Conservatory light into the foyer and then through the great black ironwork Conservatory doors. -- I was a face on the other side of the glass. -- My aspect as I departed most dignified and serene. -- Time heals everything. -- No it doesnt. -- Cut lip fat lip puffed lip split lip. -- Haw! haw! haw! haw! -- Well Hilda there are other things in life. -- Yes Maggie I suppose there are. None that I want. -- Non-Conservatory people have their own lives. We Conservatory people dont have much to do with them but we are told they have their own lives. -- I suppose I could file an appeal if theres anywhere to file an appeal to. If theres anywhere. -- Thats an idea we get stacks of appeals, stacks and stacks. -- I can wait all night. Here on the steps. -- Ill sit with you. Ill help you formulate the words. -- Are they looking out of the windows? -- Yes I think so. What do you want to say? -- I want to say my whole life depends on it. Something like that. -- Its against the rules for Conservatory people to help non-Conservatory people you know that. -- Well Goddammit I thought you were going to help me. -- Okay. Ill help you. What do you want to say? -- I want to say my whole life depends on it. Something like that. -- We got man naked models and woman naked models, harps, giant potted plants, and drapes. There are hierarchies, some people higher up and others lower down. These mingle, in the gorgeous light. We have lots of fun. Theres lots of green furniture you know with paint on it. Worn green paint. Gilt lines one-quarter inch from the edges. Worn gilt lines. -- And probably flambeaux in little niches in the walls, right? -- Yeah we got flambeaux. Whos the father? -- Guy named Robert. -- Did you have a good time? -- The affair ran the usual course. Fever, boredom, trapped. -- Hot, rinse, spin dry. -- Is it wonderful in there Maggie? -- I have to say it is. Yes. It is. -- Do you feel great, being there? Do you feel wonderful? -- Yes, it feels pretty good. Very often there is, upon the tray, a rose. -- I will never be admitted to the Conservatory. -- You will never be admitted to the Conservatory. -- How do I look? -- Okay. Not bad. Fine. -- I will never get there. How do I look? -- Fine. Great. Time heals everything Hilda. -- No it doesnt. -- Time heals everything. -- No it doesnt. How do I look? -- Moot.