第17章 Great Days

-- When I was a little girl I made mud pies, dangled strings down crayfish holes hoping the idiot crayfish would catch hold and allow themselves to be hauled into the light. Snarled and cried, ate ice cream and sang "How High the Moon." Popped the wings off crickets and floated stray Scrabble pieces in ditch water. All perfect and ordinary and perfect.

-- Featherings of ease and bliss. -- I was preparing myself. Getting ready for the great day. -- Icy day with salt on all the sidewalks. -- Sketching attitudes and forming pretty speeches. -- Pitching pennies at a line scraped in the dust. -- Doing and redoing my lustrous abundant hair.

-- Man down. Center and One Eight. -- Tied flares to my extremities and wound candy canes into my lustrous, abundant hair. Getting ready for the great day. -- For I do not deny that I am a little out of temper. -- Glitches in the system as yet unapprehended. -- Oh that clown band. Oh its sweet strains.

-- Most excellent and dear friend. Who the silly seasons named for. -- My demands were not met. One, two, three, four. -- I admire your dash and address. But regret your fear and prudence. -- Always worth making the effort, always. -- Yes thats something we do. Our damnedest. They cant take that away from us.

-- The Secretary of State cares. And the Secretary of Commerce. -- Yes theyre clued in. We are not unprotected. Soldiers and policemen. -- Man down. Corner of Mercer and One Six. -- Paying lots of attention. A clear vision of what can and cant be done. -- Progress extending far into the future. Dams and aqueducts. The amazing strength of the powerful.

-- Organizing our deepest wishes as a mother foresightedly visits a store that will be closed tomorrow. -- Friendships the best thing. -- One of the best things. One of the very best. -- I performed in a hall. Alone under the burning lights. -- The hall ganged with admiring faces. Except for a few.

-- Julia was there. Rotten Julia. -- But I mean you really like her dont you? -- Well I mean who doesnt like violet eyes? -- Got to make the effort, scratch where it itches, plans, schemes, directives, guidelines. -- Well I mean who doesnt like frisky knees? -- Yes shes lost her glow. Gone utterly.

-- The strains of the city working upon an essentially non-urban sensibility. -- But I love the city and will not hear it traduced. -- Well, me too. But after all. But still. -- Think Julias getting it on with Bally. -- Yeah I heard about that hes got a big mouth. -- But handsome hip bones got to give him that.

-- I remember, I can feel them still, pressing into me as they once did on hot afternoons and cool nights and feverish first-thing-in-the-mornings. -- Yes, Bally is a regal memory for everyone. -- My best ghost. The one I think about, in bitter times and good. -- Trying to get my colors together. Trying to play one off against another. Trying for cancellation.

-- I respect your various phases. Your sweet, even discourse. -- I spent some time away and found everyone there affable, gentle, and good. -- Nonculminating kind of ultimately affectless activity. -- Which you mime so gracefully in auditoria large and small. -- And yet with my really wizard! good humor and cheerful thoughtless mien, I have caused a lot of trouble.

-- I suppose thats true. Strictly speaking. -- Bounding into the woods on all fours barking like a mother biting at whatever moves in front of me -- -- Do you also save string? -- On my free evenings and paid holidays. Making the most of the time I have here on this earth. Knotting, sewing, weaving, welding. -- Naming babies, Lou, Lew, Louis. -- And his toes, wonderful toes, that man has got toes. -- Decorated with rings and rubber bands. -- Has a partiality for white. White gowns, shifts, aprons, flowers, sauces. -- He was a salty dog all right. Salty dog. -- I was out shooting with him once, pheasant, he got one, with his fancy shotgun. The bird bursting like an exploding pillow. -- Have to stand there and watch them, their keen eyes scanning the whatever. And then say "Good shot!" -- Oh I could have done better, better, I was lax. -- Or worse, dont fret about it, could have put your cute little butt in worse places, in thrall to dismaler personalities. -- I was making an effort. What I do best. -- You are excellent at it. Really first-rate. -- Never fail to knock myself out. Put pictures on the walls and pads under the rugs. -- I really admire you. I really do. To the teeth. -- Bust your ass, its the only way. -- As we learn from studying the careers of all the great figures of the past. Heraclitus and Launcelot du Lac. -- Polish the doorknobs with Brasso and bring in the sea bass in its nest of seaweed. -- And not only that. And not only that. -- Tickling them when they want to be tickled. Abstaining, when they do not. -- Large and admirable men. Not neglecting the small and ignoble. Dealing evenhandedly with every situation on a case-by-case basis. -- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. -- Knew a guy wore his stomach on his sleeve. I dealt with the problem using astrology in its medical aspects. His stomach this, his stomach that, God Almighty but it was tiresome, tiresome in the extreme. I dealt with it by using astrology in its medical aspects. -- To each his own. Handmade bread and individual attention. -- Youve got to have something besides yourself. A cat, too often. -- I could have done better but I was dumb. When youre young youre sometimes dumb. -- Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I remember. -- Well lets have a drink. -- Well I dont mind if I do. -- I have Goldwasser, Bombay gin and Old Jeb. -- Well I wouldnt mind a Scotch myself. -- I have that too. -- Growing older and with age, less beautiful. -- Yeah Ive noticed that. Losing your glow. -- Just gonna sit in the wrinkling house and wrinkle. Get older and worse. -- Once you lose your glow you never get it back. -- Sometimes by virtue of the sun on a summers day. -- Wrinkling you so that you look like a roast turkey. -- As is the case with the Oni of Ife. Saw him on television. -- Let me show you this picture. -- Yes thats very lovely. What is it? -- Its "Vulcan and Maia." -- Yes. Hes got his hooks into her. Shes struggling to get away. -- Vigorously? Vigorously. Yes. -- Whos the artist? -- Spranger. -- Never heard of him. -- Well. -- Yes, you may hang it. Anywhere you like. On that wall or that wall or that wall. -- Thank you. -- Probably I can get ahead by working hard, paying attention to detail. -- I thought that. Once I thought that. -- Reading a lot of books and having good ideas. -- Well thats not bad. I mean its a means. -- Do something wonderful. I dont know what. -- Like a bass player plucking the great thick strings of his instrument with powerful plucks. -- Blood vessels bursting in my face just under the skin all the while. -- Hurt by malicious criticisms all very well grounded. -- Washing and rewashing my lustrous, abundant hair. -- For Leatherheart, I turn my back. My lustrous, abundant back. -- That cracks them up does it? -- At least they know Im in town. -- Ease myself into bed of an evening brain jumping with hostile fluids. -- Its greens in a pot. -- Its confetti in the swimming pool. -- Its U-joints in the vichyssoise. -- Its staggers under the moon. -- He told me terrible things in the evening of that day as we sat side by side waiting for the rain to wash the water-colors from his watercolor paper. Waiting for the rain to wash the paper clean, quite clean. -- Took me by the hand and led me through all the rooms. Many rooms. -- I know all about it. -- The kitchen is especially splendid. -- Quite so. -- A dozen Filipinos with trays. -- Close to that figure. -- Trays with edibles. Wearables. Readables. Collectibles. -- Ah, youre a fool. A damned fool. -- Goodbye, madame. Dip if you will your hand in the holy water font as you leave, and attend as well to the poor box just to the right of the door. -- Figs and kiss-me-nots. I would meet you upon this honestly. -- I went far beyond the time normally allotted for a speaker. Far. -- In Mexico City. Wearing the black jacket with the silver conchos. And trousers of fire pink. -- Visited a health club there, my rear looked like two pocketbooks, they worked on it. -- You were making an effort. -- Run in the mornings too, take green tea at noon, study household management, finance, repair of devices. -- Born with a silver hoe in your mouth. -- Yes. Got to get going, got to make some progress. -- Followed by development of head banging in the child. -- I went far beyond the time normally allotted to, or for, a speaker. It is fair to say they were enthralled. And transfixed. Inappropriate laughter at some points but I didnt mind that. -- Did the Eminence arrive? -- In a cab. In his robes of scarlet. -- He does a tough Eminence. -- Yes very tough. I was allowed to kiss the ring. He sat there, in the audience, just like another member of the audience. Just like anybody. Transfixed and enthralled. -- Whirling and jigging in the red light and throwing veils on the floor and throwing gloves on the floor -- -- One of my finest. They roared for ten minutes. -- I am so proud of you. Again and again. Proud of you. -- Oh well, yes. I agree. Quite right. Absolutely. -- What? Are you sure? Are you quite sure? Let me show you this picture. -- Yes thats quite grand. What is it? -- Its "Tancred Succored by Ermina." -- Yes shes sopping up the blood there, got a big rag, seems a sweet girl, God hes out of it isnt he, dead or dying horse at upper left. . . Whos the artist? -- Ricchi. -- Never heard of him. -- Well. -- Ill take it. You may stack it with the others, against that wall or that wall or that wall -- -- Thank you. Where shall I send the bill? -- Send it anywhere you like. Anywhere your little heart desires. -- Well I hate to be put in this position. Bending and subservient. -- Heavens! Id not noticed. Let me raise you up. -- Maybe in a few days. A few days or a few years. -- Lave you with bee jelly and bone oil. -- And if I have ever forgiven you your astonishing successes -- -- Mine. -- And if I have ever been able to stomach your serial triumphs -- -- The sky. A rectangle of gray in the foreground and behind that, a rectangle of puce. And behind that, a square of silver gilt. -- Got to get it together, get the big bucks. -- Yes Im thinking hard, thinking hard. -- Frolic and detour. -- Whats that mean? -- I dont know just a bit of legal language I picked up somewhere. -- Now that I take a long look at you -- -- In the evening by the fireside -- -- I find you utterly delightful. Abide with me. Well have little cakes with smarm, yellow smarm on them -- -- Yes I just feel so fresh and free here. One doesnt feel that way every day, or every week. -- Last night at two the barking dog in the apartment above stopped barking. Its owners had returned. I went into the kitchen and barked through the roof for an hour. I believe I was understood. -- Man down. Corner of Water and Eight Nine. -- Another wallow? -- Ive wallowed for today thank you. Control is the thing. -- Control used to be the thing. Now, abandon. -- Ill never achieve abandon. -- Work hard and concentrate. Try Clown, Baby, Hell-hag, Witch, the Laughing Cavalier. The Lord helps those -- -- Purple bursts in my face as if purple staples had been stapled there every which way -- -- Hurt by malicious criticisms all very well grounded -- -- Oh that clown band. Oh its sweet strains. -- The sky. A rectangle of glister. Behind which, a serene brown. A yellow bar, vertical, in the upper right. -- I love you, Harmonica, quite exceptionally. -- By gum I think you mean it. I think you do. -- Its "Portia Wounding Her Thigh." -- Its "Wolfram Looking at His Wife Whom He Has Imprisoned with the Corpse of Her Lover." -- If you need a friend Im yours till the end. -- Your gracious and infinitely accommodating presence. -- Julias is the best. Best Ive ever seen. The finest. -- The muscle of jealousy is not in me. Nowhere. -- Oh it is so fine. Incomparable. -- Some think one thing, some another. -- The very damn best believe me. -- Well I dont know, I havent seen it. -- Well, would you like to see it? -- Well, I dont know, I dont know her very well do you? -- Well, I know her well enough to ask her. -- Well, why dont you ask her if its not an inconvenience or this isnt the wrong time or something. -- Well, probably this is the wrong time come to think of it because she isnt here and some time when she is here would probably be a better time. -- Well, I would like to see it right now because just talking about it has got me in the mood to see it. If you know what I mean. -- She told me that she didnt like to be called just for that purpose, people she didnt know and maybe wouldnt like if she did know, Im just warning you. -- Oh. -- You see. -- I see. -- I could have done better. But I dont know how. Could have done better, cleaned better or cooked better or I dont know. Better. -- You smile. And the angels sing. La la la la la la la la la la la la. -- Blew it. Blew it. -- Had a clown at the wedding he officiated standing there in his voluptuous white costume his drum and trumpet at his feet. He said, "Do you, Harry. . ." and all that. The guests applauded, the clown band played, it was a brilliant occasion. -- Our many moons of patience and accommodation. Tricks and stunts unknown to common cunts. -- The guests applauded. Above us, a great tent with red and yellow stripes. -- The unexploded pillow and the simple, blunt sheet. -- I was fecund, savagely so. -- Painting dead women by the hundreds in passionate imitation of Delacroix. -- Sailing after lunch and after sailing, gin. -- Do not go into the red barn, he said. I went into the red barn. Julia. Swinging on a rope from hayloft to tack room. Gazed at by horses with their large, accepting eyes. They somehow looked as if they knew. -- You packed hastily reaching the station just before midnight counting the pennies in your purse. -- Yes. Regaining the city, plunged once more into activities. -- Youve got to have something besides yourself. A cause, interest, or goal. -- Made myself knowledgeable in certain areas, one, two, three, four. Studied the Value Line and dipped into cocoa. -- The kind of thing you do so well. -- Acquired busts of certain notables, marble, silver, bronze. The Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. -- Wailed a bit now and then into the ears of friends and caverns of the telephone. -- But I rallied. Rallied. -- Made an effort. Made the effort. -- To make soft what is hard. To make hard the soft. To conceal what is black with use, under new paint. Check the tomatoes with their red times, in the manual. To enspirit the spiritless. To get me a jug and go out behind the barn sharing with whoever is out behind the barn, peasant or noble. -- Sometimes I have luck. In plazas or taverns. -- Right as rain. I mean okey-dokey. -- Unless the participant affirmatively elects otherwise. -- What does that mean? -- Damfino. Just a bit of legal language I picked up somewhere. -- You are the sunshine of my life. -- Toys toys I want more toys. -- Yes, I should think you would. -- That wallow in certainty called the love affair. -- The fading gray velvet of the sofa. He clowned with my panties in his teeth. Walked around that way for half an hour. -- Whats this gunk here in this bucket? -- Bread in milk, have some. -- I think I could eat a little something. -- A mistletoe salad we whipped up together. -- Stick to it, keep after it. Only way to go is all the way. -- Want to buy a garter belt? Have one, thanks. Cut your losses, try another town, split for the tall timber. -- Well its a clean afternoon, heavy on the azaleas. -- Yes they pride themselves on their azaleas. Have competitions, cups. -- I dashed a hope and dimmed an ardor. Promises shimmering like shrimp in light just under the surface of the water. -- Peered into his dental arcade noting the health of his pink tissue. -- Backed into a small table which overturned with a scattering of ashtrays and back copies of important journals. -- What ought I to do? What do you advise me? Should I try to see him? What will happen? Can you tell me? -- Yes its caring and being kind. We have corn dodgers too and blood sausage. -- Lasciviously offered a something pure and white. -- But he hastily with an embarrassed schottische of the hands covered you up again. -- Much like that. Every day. I dont mind doing the work if I get the results. -- We had a dog because we thought it would keep us together. A plain dog. -- Did it? -- Naw it was just another of those dumb ideas we had we thought would keep us together. -- Bone ignorance. -- Saw him once more, he was at a meeting I was at, had developed an annoying habit of coughing into his coat collar whenever he -- -- Coughed. -- Yes hed lift his coat collar and cough into it odd mannerism very annoying. -- Then the candles going out one by one -- -- The last candle hidden behind the altar - -- The tabernacle door ajar -- -- The clapping shut of the book. -- I got ready for the great day. The great day came, several times in fact. -- Each time with memories of the last time. -- No. These do not in fact intrude. Maybe as a slight shimmer of the over-and-done-with. Each great day is itself, with its own war machines, rattles, and green lords. There is the hesitation that the particular day wont be what it is meant to be. Mostly it is. Thats peculiar. -- He told me terrible things in the evening of that day as we sat side by side waiting for the rain to wash his water-color paper clean. Waiting for the rain to wash the water-colors from his watercolor paper. -- What do the children say? -- Theres a thing the children say. -- What do the children say? -- They say: Will you always love me? -- Always. -- Will you always remember me? -- Always. -- Will you remember me a year from now? -- Yes, I will. -- Will you remember me two years from now? -- Yes, I will. -- Will you remember me five years from now? -- Yes, I will. -- Knock knock. -- Whos there? -- You see?